Franki does goa
for
the benefit of all the people that are going to goa for the first time I
thought a Itinary may Help.Day1 right after a minimum of a 9.5 hour
flight You land at Brand new airport Dabilim Less than a year old Wow
.Now this is where you get your first glimse of the way things work in
India (or dont work) The plane door opens the first thing is the smell a
blend of aviation fuel and burning wood now on the tarmac a fleet of
bendy busses arrive on the way to the terminal building you notice a few
nice air bridges why are we on a bus you think the easy answer is the
bridges wont fit the plane once inside the airport dont be supprised if
the power goes off Many of the regular visiters to India wont even
notice this as it is simply a part of Indian culture.You have been lead
to belive that the indian people are friendly happy and smiling not so
in the airport .When you are that pissed of with your job and holding a
fire arm it dosent help make you feel at ease.Next you may get through
Imigration in less than an hour if so you truly are blessed and deserve a
garland of marigolds .If like the rest of us takes a tad longer and
stand thier wondering if your visa is in order and wethere they are
going to let you in ,youmay make a wize crack at the desk in an attempt
to get a smile from at least one of the airport staff.Forget it it just
wont work and you will come away thinking you are boaring.You are now
through Imigration probably already thinking what the fuck have i
done.Bagage Hall your luggage will normally have allready been removed
from the belt it will be in a pile with other bags there will be gaurds
and nobody can touch you bags not even you .The easy way round this is
point your bags out and let him take them to your bus or taxi then pay
him £1 .The other option is pull them yourself with a bag boy grasping
the other end of your suitcase he will eventualy give up and you will
save a pound .Now if you are getting a bus you will also need to pay
somebody to put your cases in the bus .If you are getting a Taxi god
help you best to arrange one before you go or you will have about 20 to
chose from.You are now on the bus or taxi this is probably a good time
to get a bit of sleep or at the very least close your eyes very tight as
you dont realy want to see what is happening outside your transport or
your position in the road and after the first 2 or 3 sleeping sumo
wrestlers you will realise sleep is imposible
part 2 for newbies
You are now at hotel reception
Here things start to look up people smile at you and you will start to see the funny little head wag I still have no idea what it means or how it is done .Check in is pretty painless sign everything in triplicate and hand your passport over ,dont worry to much you normally get it back .Now once checked in your key will be handed to yet another luggage guard let him take it for you your room may be up 3 or 4 flights of steps .Once in you room he will endeavour to explain how all the mod cons work like the light switch and the light switch. Other stuff like the water barrel hose pipe and the little jug next to the bog you will need to work out for your self. Just give him the pound and Happy days. If you have booked a upper end hotel you may get a kettle.
Now depending on what time you arrive will determine what you do next you may have arrived after midnight so will probably want to go to bed and cry yourself to sleep. Or a daytime flight in whitch case you may want to find a chemist for some Valium.
What ever you are here now and there are no flights home Make the most of it
Any way you have now had a good sleep or a Valium induced coma so make your way down for breakfast this varies from simple toast and jam to a full buffet. or you could order full English of the menu or a Israli breakfast or a Russian Breakfast However most meals or the menu need to be paid for £2 will cover most things .By now you will be starting feel a little bit different about the place .The happy vibes are starting to show all right so the room is shit but you probably wont care you dont need your passport for a few weeks. It is now time to Venture out of the Hotel. As you get nearer to the entrance you will start to hear it beep BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
Now what you need to know in India honking your horn like a f*cking idiot makes you far more attractive to the opposite sex and in a country with 2.2 billion people that's a lot of noise.Here you can pause for a breath before you attempt to walk to the beach
Part 3
You are now on the road you may be lucky and have a pavement they started building them a couple of years ago but not to be out done buy the airport have the same aged look about them for some reason the builders for get about monsoon so it is built during the main season and washed away in summer sort of a ongoing cycle .Now so the building and repair work causes as little disruption as possible no cones or lights will be used .Nobody wants their holiday destination looking like roadworks on the M6 just make a mental note of how big and how deep the holes are few are deeper than 3 feet this is important as a good mental map will be needed later in your holiday when things dont look quite as plum and level.
It may be around now you realise why every body has being telling you not to wear white your feet have turned the colour of a fresh lobster. Another point the pavements arnt really much concern to you they are only there for the taxis to park on .You share the road with 2 billion scooters cows all the taxis that are not parked on the pavement and 3 legged dogs fortunately elephants are now banned of Goan roads as they move to slowly. Buy this time you are starting to relax got the mental map got past the taxi rank got red feet feel like a true veteran .the one thing you forgot is you are white so dont go shopping. Anything White is pray. what will cost you £10 today will be £2 next week .Just look and get to know people . You may have noticed small piles dotted here and there dont go and investigate by poking it with your red toes. You may have heard Goa called a shit hole well shit is the appropriate word in this case. Unfortunately all the cows you see roaming the streets are not house trained and if they feel like a dump they have a dump. Many say Goa has change in the last few years but cows taking a shit when ever and where ever has no nor is likely to so rest assured some things will never change Now you have arrived at the beach now this has got to be good heard so much about the beach WTF 10 miles of sand with hundreds of garden sheds covered in blue plastic and a few palm leave thrown on top. Now many have easy accsess with paths of matting laid just mind the cow shit (see below)
Part4
Picking a garden shed beach shack is the correct term is not easy they are all pretty much the same at first glance scruffy bit like the airport on a smaller scale. They all have sunbeds in front they are all the same size .If you see one larger than the rest best avoid it the police may come along at any moment with a JCB and drive through it .Best to pick one with nice plastic mats on the beds as long as there are no more than 24 once again more than the right number of beds will attract the old bill with sledge hammers and the fact you may be led on one is irrelevant .So a tidy shack within the allotted size with plastic mats is the order of the day . Now either go into the shack or pick a sunbed ,either way a couple of shack boys will be on you like a shot .This is where your holiday really begins tell them where you want your bed most lads cant do enough for you and will pander to most needs however dont forget you are white or more appropriately green drinks and food are set prices by the shack other stuff pedicure manicure and so on .You may fancy a massage very popular on the beach and many of the lads and some girls do massage .Now if you simply ask how much you are going to get a proper slapping you do need to hone your bartering skills .I now get asked how much I want to pay and we work the other way. You have probably noticed by now that I am now finding less negatives to Wright about but the one thing I must stress before you get off your sun bed check for cow shit .Once you have agreed your price for you foot massage the brollies will be arranged in such a way that light will barley penetrate once again this is for the benefit of PC plod .the same goes for henna tattoos .Dont be to surprised if your masseur or tattoo artist suddenly gets up and runs leaving you half done the plod have spied them and are about to dish out some discipline the UK lost long ago dont worry they will be back .Lunch time pop back into the shack obviously for the first time you pick a meal you know 180 inr sounds expensive but WTF we are on holiday .now this meal is served in a garden shed on the beach at a price you dont understand cus you been putting king fisher whiskey honey bee on the tab all morning you take your first mouth full and know immediately you are going to get fat this holiday and you haven't been to a restaurant yet now settle down for a relaxing afternoon the lads bring you drinks as and when ,the sun is hot, there is a cow rummaging through your bag there are Indian men running round in brown undis and string vests, dogs asleep under your sun bed what more do you want .Now come late after noon you are likely a bit pissed so go settle your bill and make your way back to the hotel this is where the mental map comes into play past the pot hole and the missing kerb mind the open drain try not to buy anything you are still white or lobster red I forgot to mention sun cream the shack boys will apply it for you if you need ( the lads in the shacks are totally different than the domestic tourists they work with westerners all day know how to behave and really will look after you in any situation) past the taxi rank and the safety of your hotel now you have time to reflect on the day first is how much have we spent 2 meals and pissed shit 1200 rupees fuck that sounds a lot get the phone out find the calculator £12 na cant be right im pissed will check again tomorrow
Part 5
Frankie goes to Goa
Now back in your hotel room you have decided your maths is shit or the calculator tells lies £12 for 2 meals and bladdered what ever .Make a brew if you have remembered to pack your travel kettle Whilst the wife takes a shower. At this point many will realise you dont drink the water and up till now it has never entered your head to buy any .Do you go and get some or do without a brew .Well unless you clean your teeth in a jam jar with milton you dont have a lot of choice .So get dressed again and pop to the corner shop a couple of litres will be enough. Back in the room the OH is now starting to get stressed no hot water so its nice to have a cold shower so just have a cold shower .Now it gets a bit tricky you need to get dry .Dont grab a towel give your self a quick rub down like at home Indians weave barbed wire into the towel The reason for this is as yet unknown one theory is religious reasons .But whatever the reason on a whitey with a days Goan sunshine on it it will f*cking hurt best pat yourself dry. Next comes the time honoured ritual 3 hours of hair and make up
Best just slob on the bed guys this is where it gets interesting do you do hair or make up first .Hair straighteners check and because you have taken a bit of notice of M&G you got the adapter .Hair first then. Goes quite well that only took an hour .Next make up wont take long 1 lip done f*cking hell a power cut .Frank come and hold your phone for me .Now the power comes back on what a mess start again .Another f*cking power cut .Never going to get done .You eventually develop a technique where you can get make up on in 10 mins between power cuts . All ready quick check in the mirror all good Stuff about £80 spends in your pocket should just about cover a night out for both of you .Out of your room bloody hell didnt realise how good the aircon was and your pristine hair do has just exploded into a privet hedge .Straighteners back in the suit case .Now your 3 hour ritual is reduced to 10 mins in 1 night
Frankie goes to Goa
Part 6
Once again you have made it to the hotel gates I would imagine the time is about 8pm and you thought it was busy in the morning, beep beep is now over shadowed by Taxi Taxi. Now here there may be 10 -15 cabs and every driver will ask you if you want a taxi you have just said no to14 of them and number 15 still thinks you may want a taxi. Any way you have now got past them remember the mental map and add to it .this is very important now as deep holes dont go away in power cuts and street lights go out. Picking a restaurant is much like picking a beach shack much the same from the outside scruffy plastic tables and chairs wires hanging every where .You have probably been recommended a restaurant by friends or Fellow M&G but chances of finding it so soon are pretty slim Its on CSM road. WTF is CSM road. Turn left at the tattoo mans shop there is a tattoo shop on every corner. Look for it another day. Just pick a restaurant with a good few people in it.Now things are a bit more like home sit ,order ,eat ,Order a familiar dish ,You are about to find out why every body harps on endlessly about Goan cuisine, and what you ordered only vaguely resembled what you know. Now is a good time to wander shops stalls Tibetan market .Now you will have to buy something at some time and now is probably a good time. Now the Indians have cottoned on that if you tell a Brit they are getting 50% of they are stupid enough to believe him have you ever known DFS or carpet right not have a sale .It goes like this how much 1000 now your turn give you 500 eventually you may settle on 600 not quite 50% but close now you are starting to feel the vibe. Next you walk into a fixed price shop and the wood elephant you have paid 600 for is marked at 300 lesson learned .Now you need alcohol a good idea is to return to the beach what a transformation deck beds all gone tables and chairs out order drinks watch the sea now this is chill. Any way back to the hotel fancy one in here and watch the traffic for a bit .Probably by now you are pretty pissed .Now watching traffic in Goa is not like sitting on a motorway bridge it will take up a lot of your time and there are special places for this sport bharrats and sunrise are 2 I can name. Dont be surprised if a couple of hours lapse and it gets to 2am .Now you really do need to get back to the hotel Remember the map
Frankie does Goa
part 7
Well you have done it a full day its 2am but you still want to know how much u have spent so you empty your pockets out on the bed it never stops coming Fivers Teners a few fiftys Hundreds five hundreds Thousands looks like more than you took out .So you start counting after a couple of attempts just give up its 3am you are completely bladderd OH is fast asleep fuck it..
Morning has broken like the fi .Now considering the state you were in last night you seem very fresh today's agenda breakfast and beach and start making plans for trips and stuff .Wander slowly down to breakfast everything is now done slowly .Now every body smiles and says hi even the Russians nod and grunt. Bit of toast brew 9am sun blasting down things are feeling good .Time to get to the beach This time its easy beep beep beep ain't actually that bad no thanks to the taxi lads is easy crossing the road ,now this is one thing you don't do slowly pick a gap any gap and a quick spirt will do it there may be 5 lanes of trafic but is still only 2 lanes wide .Remember the mental map and add to it pot holes are in the centre of the road as well the sides. Slowly walk to the beach the guy that sold you the 200rupee elephant for 600 rupees waves and smiles the pot holes now become easy ,you start to notice the colours the smell of jost sticks burning the odd plastic bottle and discarded flip flop dont seem to matter any more.Just wander on down. Then it happens you let your guard down you have just stuck your flip flop covered foot in a huge pile of Shit Its soft and wet and it dont smell of jost stick . Fortunatly you will probably been observed and a local may dart out and wash your feet for you .You are now starting to realize why this place is so specialAnd on the beach once again the lads remember you beds are ready in place brolly up drinks on Ice If you smoke you will even get a ashtray against the law in Goa but who gives a fuck .
Starting to get a bit hot now so time for a dip Now you can ether do the silly walk across the sand or simply run The sea may feel chilly at first but you need to get in a s soon as poss as your white skin and tiny bikini do-sent just attract mosquitos ,the brown undi and string vest boys will very quickly descend most are pretty harmless and simply look just move away so they are out of your space or buy a burka .Now it is lunch time and you never did check your money will you have enough to pay the bill this is when you start looking at prices on the menu and realise the £100 you cashed to get you by will last about 3 days .Now nothing matters more beer please frank
Franki does Goa
part 8
Now you have been in Goa for 2 or 3 days and the place is starting to grow on you the piles of rubbish aint that bad the traffic is now manageable pot holes are now easy you got the mental map you are no longer looked at as a pray animal got a bit of colour and more confidence cow shit dont even smell that bad now .Or you may be on 5 or six valium a day curled up in a corner of your room sobbing counting the minuets till your plane leaves ,This is where Marmite springs to mind
Any way you have been walking this road for the last week the mental map is near perfect you seem to know every body you bump into . Not long ago the Carrabian was an adventure .Now you have made it to India overcome all those demons that kept you awake for weeks after you booked .Nothing can stop you now time to push the envelope and in a moment of sheer madness what do you do .You hire a fucking scooter.
Now hiring a hog is nowhere near as complicated as you may think you may have seen the blackboards every where that say scooter hire this is where you go .Dont expect Avis ,Euro car or Hertz No flash waiting rooms here,normally back of somebody's house and once again slowly slowly guy may be having a brew be patient .First you need to agree a price once again this comes down to bartering and how long you want it for .Then comes the paper work which hotel you in @@@@@@@@ you say ok he says Next the safety briefing have you ridden one before if you say no he will instruct you this pull this to stop twist this bit to go and drive on the left,If you say yes drive on the left is ample instructions ,you are now ready to go.
Many hire company's are down quiet little back roads a bit like a housing estate at home so you have a couple of hundred yards to practice before you hit traffic. Its about now reality hits home and you realise just what you have done but you are an adventurer .Now in india they drive on the left just like we do so should be relatively easy .Now you may have heard you need eyes in the back of your head driving in India let me assure you this is a myth you really really dont want to know what is happening behind you It is what is in front that is important as will be demonstrated to you on numerous occasions in the next few days. Right practice over Stop at the white line (the one in your head ) and wait for a gap in the traffic and wait and wait and wait not doing to well are we so observe , Got it you have right of way at all times and so does everybody else, so of you go and suddenly that gap you have been waiting for appears easy peasy .So we are now tootling along at 20 mph once again making a mental map of potholes and sleeping sumo wrestlers .Now the O.H sat on the back there has been tightening her grip periodically and making sudden switches in posture the reason for this is unlike you concentrating on the road like a good motorist should, she can look round and knows what is going on behind you. Now is the time to remember the High way code .The indian system is loosely based on the UK highway code eg;your right indicator means I want to turn right but not wanting to waste a signal it can also mean please overtake me on the right differentiating between the two comes with practice ,however in Goa it has a third meaning my left indicator is not working .Next you need to master the use of the horn each pip has a meaning a bit like Morse code .Now no European has ever been able to master this language its a bit like talking to whales so just stick your thumb on it and hold it there .Another thing on a more serious note Traffic light are more of a suggestion than a rule .When you reach your destination you do need to have a good look at your scooter the colour the direction in whitch you park it and lastly the registration this is important you will learn why later .Find a sunbed eat food sunbathe dip in the sea drink honey bee just enjoy your adventure pay the bill and wander back to the hog .Now comes the hardest bit of the day finding the fucking thing 2.2 billion bikers have descended on your beach you forgot you were on the hog and had a honey bee or two this may take a while .Any way by the time you find it all alcohol has left the system so you are good to go .O bollocks the phone is flat no google maps so remember the mental map.
Franki does Goa
part 9
So we are down to the last couple of days of our holiday You have tried most modes of transport and survived ,Now you may think nothing can surprise you any more. Wrong!
Everybody keeps saying you must do a train ride .If up to now you have enjoyed your Indian Experience go for it ,if not don't as we are about to venture into what people call real india and if you didn't like the coastal belt and cow shit Indian trains are a whole different world of shit .
First of all is a high speed taxi ride to the station nothing new there. Once you arrive there is the normal cows wandering about and plenty of shit It also seems a very popular place to sleep so walking round or over sleeping Indians is quite normal. Once inside the station more sleeping Indians ,there doesn't seem to be any designated areas for sleeping here will do centre of the platform on the steps on the bridge on a luggage truck in fact the only place nobody seems to sleep is the waiting room. Take a peek over the edge guess what you see yep more shit and this aint cow shit. Now Indian trains can be quite long and walking out onto the platform is like walking out onto the tarmac at Dabolim air port so if you want to walk to the end of the platform for a sneaky fag make sure you give yourself plenty of time because your carriage may be at the other end over the horizon .Now unlike on the coast where everybody turns a blind eye to you having a fag not so here And if you are spotted you will be named and shamed over the station tannoy system. Now your train departure time arrives and the longest train you have ever seen in your life pulls in to the station don't get on ,reason being this is the train that was due 3 hours ago. The chances of your train being on time are probably about the same as Tony caudwell becoming the next Tory MP for Glasgow,so now you got plenty of time on your hands,So may as well get some scran. The canteen differs somewhat from what you have become accustomed to firstly there are no candles on the table nor are there any table cloths .Not the most romantic of venues .Now the food is actually quite good served on stainless steel plates with all the different compartments similar to what you put the nuts in at Christmas and only half the price of on the beach. Now would be a good time to go to the loo .You may take a peek through the door and think not using that ,not a good decision.
Buy this time you will probably have made enquires as to when your train is arriving and where your carriage is going to be .When it comes just get on and find your pre booked seats. Right as you wanted to experience real India you will probably have booked sleeper class the most popular class and the cheapest but defiantly not the cleanest or sweetest smelling , now I am unsure whether pigs goats and chickens need to purchase tickets or whether they are luggage. Now this class is quite fun and you are responsible for your own health and safety the doors are nearly always open so hanging out the carriage whilst the train is flat out is quite a buzz .The plus side of sleeper class everything is open and you really get to see the country,you can get off at stations it is a very enjoyable experience.
Earlier I suggested you use the hole in the floor at the station even if you didn't really want to go.If you took my advice well done,if you didn't there are loos on the train 4 in all one in each corner 3 Indian style and 1 western style. You are now going to regret not heeding my advice .
Without going into great detail the worst of the 4 is always the western one believe me it is not pleasant so that leaves a choice of 3 .Now squat toilets are not the easiest thing to use in the first place very few of us can actually get into the right position.On a train its not just a hole its a sink with two hills placed in it .Now you need a good sense of balance a good sense of humour will be an advantage as well because this is going to be a real achievement and lastly a pack of baby wipes . Now not being a professional train crapper This technique may be totally wrong .If you you are wearing shorts or trousers probably best to remove them and hang them on the hook provided, the same for long dresses other wise they will end up in the sink with everything else .You are now stood semi naked in a Indian train travelling at 40mph baby wipes in hand .If that is not bad enough you now need to balance on two humps baby wipes in one hand the other desperately trying to find something to hold onto. From here use your imagination.
Once you get off the train there will inevitably be more sleeping Indians and more shit .Enjoy your new destination .
The return journey will be much the same as the first only no doubt you will take a dump before you get on the train
Franki goes Home
part 10
Well last night was your last night in Goa Thankfully you are flying home on Thomas Cook not the best but with a flight time of 02.15 you get another full day and an evening meal .The normal stroll down to breakfast is much the same only there is a room boy lurking at every corner “last day sir I am your room boy”pretty oblivious buy now what he wants and this time a pound wont do but if he has looked after your room give him what you feel is right .Now every member of staff knows it is your last day and will be extra nice to you so don't let your good will get the better of you. Now remember your first day and how today could not get here soon enough ,chances are you dont see it like that now and are feeling a bit sad that you have to leave .Although you have done much travelling on the hog to the other beaches up and down the coast you will probably have found your shack. It will be one of the first you went to in the first few days you were in Goa the food is awesome the staff are friends for life even the dog knows you .This place is obliviously where you are going to spend your last day relaxing. Unfortunately it will not be as relaxing as you first thought you have telephone numbers to exchange facebook friends to make spend loads of time chatting to the boys ,lunch time arrives so you pop back into the shack and order your favourite meal .God this is good but it is the last for a long long time you sit in the shack with your favourite drink and look out over the sand ,the cows stroll buy the dogs asleep under your bed possibly one of the waiters asleep on your bed .(As you discovered on your rail journey a big part of Indian life and culture is sleeping).At this point you are probably feeling quite sad and unlike other holidays where you are looking forward to getting home ,here you really don't want to leave anyway back to the sun bed to do a bit more sulking a few more dips in the sea a last walk up the beach and its time to go . Now is the time to tip every body so be careful very easy to get carried away these guys have made you feel special so tip what you think they are worth.
Now wander back to the hotel takes a bit longer than it has in the past so many goodbyes and last minute pressies to get for people at home You have honed your bartering skills you are not white so buying is second nature and back to the hotel .Once again if he didn't catch you on the way out he will on the way back your room boy . Shit ,shower, Shave, Hair, Make up now under half an hour and time to pack .Here a set of luggage scales is essential as getting under your allowance can be difficult Tip put a pair of wellies in your hand luggage .Anyway all done 6pm time to leave your room now if you have already tipped the boys they wont bother you again if not they will be there handy if you are 3 flights up .
Cases at reception and out for your last evening meal bearing in mind to much alcohol and they may not let you fly. By now you will almost certainly have had a meal to die for so this will where you will head for .It doesn't disappoint and once again the blues set in last one for a long time a few more drinks to drown your sorrows will do the trick more goodbyes and back to collect the cases .This is a really sad time ,if on the bus you tend to sit quietly looking out the window reflecting on the last few weeks ,much the same in a taxi.
The next bit never gets any better whether you have been once or 20 times as you pull up at the airport your luggage is once again high jacked .Most of us feel £1 to transport your luggage possibly 20 feet is a bit of a piss take as these boys are not allowed in the airport the next several hundred yards must be under your own steam. So grab your luggage and keep hold. Now you need your passport driving licence library card at least 1 utility bill proof of ownership of your luggage. Once you have all this to hand and it has been checked you will be allowed to enter the airport. Now walk about 20 feet to the baggage scanner but whatever you do don't put your documents away pop your luggage on the scanner and walk to the other end .Now this scanner is only designed to look for one thing fag lighters anything else don't really matter there was a sign telling you no nuclear bombs or guns cases are now taped with a security band an off to check in. Now once you get to the check in que with your security tagged bags it is essential the relevant authority's ensure you haven't sneaked into the airport so they need to check your documents. Once at the desk it is very similar to any other airport check in except your luggage is probably over weight even the empty case this is where the luggage scales come in .So now you know whether your bags are heavy or whether to tell him to take his foot off the scales .You may Know your bags are over so simply swap a bit into your hand baggage .Silly thing to do you have just removed the security tag and may have slipped a lighter into the case so back of the que at the scanner you may also be a different person so keep those docs handy .Now we have got through check in suitcase has gone join the que for immigration control now this que is longer than a que for Asda on black Friday and you start looking at your whatch wondering if you will make your flight. Once at immigration passport and boarding card are needed here they are checked for everything and get the all important stamp now you dont get it back yet it is slid along the desk to the next officer to make sure it is stamped now you get it back but dont put it away security next .Now before you go through to security just in case anybody has sneaked in you passport is checked and then of course security will want to see it .Now this is probably the only place in India that has Male and female channels what goes on behind the Female curtain I have no idea .Once again the whole systen is geared to seek out fag lighters Liquid explosives,guns and flick knives are far less important but will be taken off you if accidentally discovered whilst looking for lighters every passenger is frisk searched and your shoes x rayed people have been known to smuggle lighters in their shoes. Well you have got into the lounge .You can enjoy to soothing music played on a 20second loop over and over and over again Please will somebody fucking shoot me. Have a look round the pride of Goa the brand new Dabolim airport note the stains on the carpet the grout they forgot to wipe of the marble floor the stains on the roof where it leeks the missing tiles where there has been a big leak .
Lets get a brew a butty or a bag of crisps HOW FUCKING MUTCH! Back to British prices for crap food .Any way time to take a leek remember the wellies in your hand luggage this is where you need them every thing in the bogs leeks so there is a inch of water everywhere may have been fixed now??????????.Now just relax and listen to the music .Time has come go to the gate passport and boarding card again then start walking down the ramps and down the ramps and down the ramps If you are counting you may run out of fingers and toes you may have your passport checked again somewhere down the ramps onto the bus out to the plane next stop UK.
Franki reflects
part 11
Well now back in good old Blighty ,just paid the same for a coffee and a doe nut as you have paid for a fillet steak in the last few weeks hurts don't it.Its fucking freezing ,life has just turned to shit again .So what do you do?switch on the lap top down load the pics you took and tell your mates what a dump you have just come home from. What have you learnt ?Firstly you have survived so you should be quite pleased with your self. Most of what you were told about India before you went the piles of bin bags, the cow shit, the mental traffic,the dust that destroys everything you wear, the pot holes ,the wild taxi drivers ,beep beep beeep, the bartering everything you were worried about all true. You have learned to ride a scooter Indian style now you have got to remember you are actually back in Blighty and the rules like Give way, Stop, mirror signal manoeuvre do need to be applied .How on earth can you sell this place as the best holiday destination in the world ,telling your mates you nearly shit your pants in a India rail toilet probably wont persuade them to book. So best stick to the most memorable bits O they are the memorable bits .It would also be a good idea to slip in the food is the best you have ever eaten the people are friends for life sorry its something you cant explain Goa is a feeling not a place.
Franki returns
Last year Franki had his first experience of India and survived to tell the tail .After a few months of deep thought decided to weigh up the pros and cons of returning .Now the cons do seem to out weigh the pros .Not many holiday destinations do you risk life simply leaving your hotel ,you are actually a lower form of life than a cow,you need to plan your day round your toilet requirements,your whole wardrobe is ruined within a fortnight,most taxi drivers want to prove they are immortal, as does anybody that drives on the roads and he bus drivers are on bonus dependant on how many motorists they can remove from the road. The pros; food,people(well most of the people)hot and cheep , thats about it apart from the vibe .Thats it the vibe swings it so tickets booked Goa here we come .
Dabolim first thing you notice It ain't changed the air bridges still don't fit the wind screen in the bus is still broken and the airport staff still look like you just farted in their little booth. Why on earth did you go back . This time you remembered to take the pound coins baggage is a breeze all luggage transported to the taxi you pre booked from home because you got his number last year. Once out of the airport people start smiling the hotel staff all remember you and you now know you made the right decision to return. Everything is like second nature the mental map is still there although not as accurate as you would like that small pot hole has doubled in size the newly laid pavement is no longer smooth but a few adjustments and away you go. Now that you are a Goa veteran what's this real real India you keep hearing about ,time to get adventurous. Planes trains and auto mobiles are the order of the day,plane tickets booked at home rail tickets booked through a friend and buses researched at home.
Back to dabHELLim airport this time a domestic flight which is surprisingly easy ,no lighters though. Next stop real India . Leaving the plane is by a nice shiny air bridge that fits the plane,the airport is world class and the airport transfer bus is a nice air-conditioned Volvo not the 40 year old junk yard salvage you got used to in Goa .The road is like a soothe version of the M6.Real India is starting to look pretty good. Unfortunately this do-sent last long and your first impression of real India is totaly shattered and things start to look like the India you got used to only travelling at three times the speed. Once off the bus It becomes apparent how different it is from Goa, nothing travels at a leisurely pace ,the best way to describe it is off the scale mental crossing the road is really scary not a bit of a giggle weaving between scooters that you are used to ,this time you know if you get it wrong you WILL die. On the bus station you start to realise you are no longer in Goa gone has the smell of burning wood spices and food replaced by fuel fumes and PISS which we will get to later. Now you have google maps the hotel only quarter of a mile walk because this was planned at home easy p easy the road you need to cross looks like any other on your smart phone in reality its 10 lanes wide and nothing travels in the same direction 15 mins it took to cross that road .Now the hotel is easy to find but once again google maps tells lies the nice road the hotel is on is now a single track motorway width of the road has absolutely no bearing on how much traffic travels on it . Hotel check in is much the same as what you are used to with a few extra forms and a picture taken on the web cam then a room boy takes you to your room .Thank you very much here is your pound coin .now as far as this guy is concerned you have given him a washer and forgot to drill the hole in it good job you have a few 10 INR notes .Same at reception with £20 notes when you hand one in ant the receptionist says what is it you realize this is a totally different place, back in the room what do you expect for £11 a night, or more to the point what do you get a lot more than you get in Goa, Nice clean white sheets TV pretty dam good with one acception no bog role and just like £20 notes totally unknown and unheard of good job you learnt how to wash your arce on the train last year. Tea time (or dinner if you are a snob)hotel restaurant very good even better when the bill comes less than half the price of Goa.Then a good nights sleep had By all.
Day two of your Indian adventure .As last years train ride was a highlight lets do it again ,however lessons have been learned ,you must have a dump before setting out and the hotel bum washer is starting to feel better than bog roll happy days a brisk walk to the station .Now you may remember the smell when you came out of the bus station this is due to a system developed in India where by you can never get caught out suddenly wanting the toilet .It works like this. You are happily walking on the pavement round the pot holes past the public toilets when suddenly you get the urge to wee .You could walk the twenty paces back to the bogs ,but no the system says stop and p*ss .this system is very popular every were you go there will be people taking advantage of it ,hence there is rather a strong smell of fermented piss everywhere .Now as India is a democracy the p*ss any were club is not restricted to Males ladies are quite welcome to squat anywhere and frequently do. This system must save the country a fortune in man hours imagine it takes 30 seconds to turn round and walk to the public lav with a population of 1.2 billion people that is a lot of time saved .On the other hand one has to wonder how the population ever got to 1.2 billion considering all the nasty bugs that must be lurking .Any way once on to the rail station you are back in familiar territory and as people are not in a hurry to get any were and the train is probably a day or so late it is quite relaxing and most people use the bogs I say most as you may see the odd child taking a dump of the edge of the platform ,I can only assume this is because the parents are so chilled out waiting its to much trouble to take the kiddie to the loo. On the train far better than last time you know you dont need the bog ,you went in the hotel, sit back enjoy the ride try the tea & coffee as long as you take sugar its really nice 3 spoons in a egg cup is about right. Next stop Mysore ,Different again gone has the sweet smell of fermented piss in fact there is no noticeable smell at all and once again the people seem happy .Its clean compared to the sh*t hole you have just left still looks the same pot holes in the pavement dodgy wiring like the rest of India built to Indian standard bodge and scarper ,its a good job its half clean as you are going to spend a lot of time with no shoes on, temples and palaces wont let you wear shoes . Loads to see here taxi with a guide cost £8 for the day well worth a visit . .Mysore is fantastic the place is amazing palaces, temples bulls views and museums .As per usual the guide will want to take you to a local craft factory, well a 96 year old lady rolling jost sticks and making fragrance'd oils, you are expected to buy a few at really ridiculous prices. It is a good idea to buy at least a small amount as I will explain later. The train ride back to the Bangalore is much the same hopefully you remembered to take a dump before you set off as last years experience will be difficult to forget more tea and try the food if you don't like it it only cost 10 rupees so nothing lost. Back in Bangalore and another night in the hotel but first you got to get there, once across the road which may take a while you got p*ss ally to get through with out throwing up ,Now remember the fragrance oil a few drops on a tissue and you think what ever you paid for it it was worth it. Back in the hotel room there is still no bog roll but who cares this arce washing machine is starting to grow on you may have to fit one at home.
God its good to get back to Baga the peace the quiet the calm roads the smell of burning wood and the relaxed taxi drivers life is so easy here .
Would you do it again deffo its something you just have to see the diversity of this country is amazing and the more you do and see the more you want to do and see.
THE END.
part 2 for newbies
You are now at hotel reception
Here things start to look up people smile at you and you will start to see the funny little head wag I still have no idea what it means or how it is done .Check in is pretty painless sign everything in triplicate and hand your passport over ,dont worry to much you normally get it back .Now once checked in your key will be handed to yet another luggage guard let him take it for you your room may be up 3 or 4 flights of steps .Once in you room he will endeavour to explain how all the mod cons work like the light switch and the light switch. Other stuff like the water barrel hose pipe and the little jug next to the bog you will need to work out for your self. Just give him the pound and Happy days. If you have booked a upper end hotel you may get a kettle.
Now depending on what time you arrive will determine what you do next you may have arrived after midnight so will probably want to go to bed and cry yourself to sleep. Or a daytime flight in whitch case you may want to find a chemist for some Valium.
What ever you are here now and there are no flights home Make the most of it
Any way you have now had a good sleep or a Valium induced coma so make your way down for breakfast this varies from simple toast and jam to a full buffet. or you could order full English of the menu or a Israli breakfast or a Russian Breakfast However most meals or the menu need to be paid for £2 will cover most things .By now you will be starting feel a little bit different about the place .The happy vibes are starting to show all right so the room is shit but you probably wont care you dont need your passport for a few weeks. It is now time to Venture out of the Hotel. As you get nearer to the entrance you will start to hear it beep BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
Now what you need to know in India honking your horn like a f*cking idiot makes you far more attractive to the opposite sex and in a country with 2.2 billion people that's a lot of noise.Here you can pause for a breath before you attempt to walk to the beach
Part 3
You are now on the road you may be lucky and have a pavement they started building them a couple of years ago but not to be out done buy the airport have the same aged look about them for some reason the builders for get about monsoon so it is built during the main season and washed away in summer sort of a ongoing cycle .Now so the building and repair work causes as little disruption as possible no cones or lights will be used .Nobody wants their holiday destination looking like roadworks on the M6 just make a mental note of how big and how deep the holes are few are deeper than 3 feet this is important as a good mental map will be needed later in your holiday when things dont look quite as plum and level.
It may be around now you realise why every body has being telling you not to wear white your feet have turned the colour of a fresh lobster. Another point the pavements arnt really much concern to you they are only there for the taxis to park on .You share the road with 2 billion scooters cows all the taxis that are not parked on the pavement and 3 legged dogs fortunately elephants are now banned of Goan roads as they move to slowly. Buy this time you are starting to relax got the mental map got past the taxi rank got red feet feel like a true veteran .the one thing you forgot is you are white so dont go shopping. Anything White is pray. what will cost you £10 today will be £2 next week .Just look and get to know people . You may have noticed small piles dotted here and there dont go and investigate by poking it with your red toes. You may have heard Goa called a shit hole well shit is the appropriate word in this case. Unfortunately all the cows you see roaming the streets are not house trained and if they feel like a dump they have a dump. Many say Goa has change in the last few years but cows taking a shit when ever and where ever has no nor is likely to so rest assured some things will never change Now you have arrived at the beach now this has got to be good heard so much about the beach WTF 10 miles of sand with hundreds of garden sheds covered in blue plastic and a few palm leave thrown on top. Now many have easy accsess with paths of matting laid just mind the cow shit (see below)
Part4
Picking a garden shed beach shack is the correct term is not easy they are all pretty much the same at first glance scruffy bit like the airport on a smaller scale. They all have sunbeds in front they are all the same size .If you see one larger than the rest best avoid it the police may come along at any moment with a JCB and drive through it .Best to pick one with nice plastic mats on the beds as long as there are no more than 24 once again more than the right number of beds will attract the old bill with sledge hammers and the fact you may be led on one is irrelevant .So a tidy shack within the allotted size with plastic mats is the order of the day . Now either go into the shack or pick a sunbed ,either way a couple of shack boys will be on you like a shot .This is where your holiday really begins tell them where you want your bed most lads cant do enough for you and will pander to most needs however dont forget you are white or more appropriately green drinks and food are set prices by the shack other stuff pedicure manicure and so on .You may fancy a massage very popular on the beach and many of the lads and some girls do massage .Now if you simply ask how much you are going to get a proper slapping you do need to hone your bartering skills .I now get asked how much I want to pay and we work the other way. You have probably noticed by now that I am now finding less negatives to Wright about but the one thing I must stress before you get off your sun bed check for cow shit .Once you have agreed your price for you foot massage the brollies will be arranged in such a way that light will barley penetrate once again this is for the benefit of PC plod .the same goes for henna tattoos .Dont be to surprised if your masseur or tattoo artist suddenly gets up and runs leaving you half done the plod have spied them and are about to dish out some discipline the UK lost long ago dont worry they will be back .Lunch time pop back into the shack obviously for the first time you pick a meal you know 180 inr sounds expensive but WTF we are on holiday .now this meal is served in a garden shed on the beach at a price you dont understand cus you been putting king fisher whiskey honey bee on the tab all morning you take your first mouth full and know immediately you are going to get fat this holiday and you haven't been to a restaurant yet now settle down for a relaxing afternoon the lads bring you drinks as and when ,the sun is hot, there is a cow rummaging through your bag there are Indian men running round in brown undis and string vests, dogs asleep under your sun bed what more do you want .Now come late after noon you are likely a bit pissed so go settle your bill and make your way back to the hotel this is where the mental map comes into play past the pot hole and the missing kerb mind the open drain try not to buy anything you are still white or lobster red I forgot to mention sun cream the shack boys will apply it for you if you need ( the lads in the shacks are totally different than the domestic tourists they work with westerners all day know how to behave and really will look after you in any situation) past the taxi rank and the safety of your hotel now you have time to reflect on the day first is how much have we spent 2 meals and pissed shit 1200 rupees fuck that sounds a lot get the phone out find the calculator £12 na cant be right im pissed will check again tomorrow
Part 5
Frankie goes to Goa
Now back in your hotel room you have decided your maths is shit or the calculator tells lies £12 for 2 meals and bladdered what ever .Make a brew if you have remembered to pack your travel kettle Whilst the wife takes a shower. At this point many will realise you dont drink the water and up till now it has never entered your head to buy any .Do you go and get some or do without a brew .Well unless you clean your teeth in a jam jar with milton you dont have a lot of choice .So get dressed again and pop to the corner shop a couple of litres will be enough. Back in the room the OH is now starting to get stressed no hot water so its nice to have a cold shower so just have a cold shower .Now it gets a bit tricky you need to get dry .Dont grab a towel give your self a quick rub down like at home Indians weave barbed wire into the towel The reason for this is as yet unknown one theory is religious reasons .But whatever the reason on a whitey with a days Goan sunshine on it it will f*cking hurt best pat yourself dry. Next comes the time honoured ritual 3 hours of hair and make up
Best just slob on the bed guys this is where it gets interesting do you do hair or make up first .Hair straighteners check and because you have taken a bit of notice of M&G you got the adapter .Hair first then. Goes quite well that only took an hour .Next make up wont take long 1 lip done f*cking hell a power cut .Frank come and hold your phone for me .Now the power comes back on what a mess start again .Another f*cking power cut .Never going to get done .You eventually develop a technique where you can get make up on in 10 mins between power cuts . All ready quick check in the mirror all good Stuff about £80 spends in your pocket should just about cover a night out for both of you .Out of your room bloody hell didnt realise how good the aircon was and your pristine hair do has just exploded into a privet hedge .Straighteners back in the suit case .Now your 3 hour ritual is reduced to 10 mins in 1 night
Frankie goes to Goa
Part 6
Once again you have made it to the hotel gates I would imagine the time is about 8pm and you thought it was busy in the morning, beep beep is now over shadowed by Taxi Taxi. Now here there may be 10 -15 cabs and every driver will ask you if you want a taxi you have just said no to14 of them and number 15 still thinks you may want a taxi. Any way you have now got past them remember the mental map and add to it .this is very important now as deep holes dont go away in power cuts and street lights go out. Picking a restaurant is much like picking a beach shack much the same from the outside scruffy plastic tables and chairs wires hanging every where .You have probably been recommended a restaurant by friends or Fellow M&G but chances of finding it so soon are pretty slim Its on CSM road. WTF is CSM road. Turn left at the tattoo mans shop there is a tattoo shop on every corner. Look for it another day. Just pick a restaurant with a good few people in it.Now things are a bit more like home sit ,order ,eat ,Order a familiar dish ,You are about to find out why every body harps on endlessly about Goan cuisine, and what you ordered only vaguely resembled what you know. Now is a good time to wander shops stalls Tibetan market .Now you will have to buy something at some time and now is probably a good time. Now the Indians have cottoned on that if you tell a Brit they are getting 50% of they are stupid enough to believe him have you ever known DFS or carpet right not have a sale .It goes like this how much 1000 now your turn give you 500 eventually you may settle on 600 not quite 50% but close now you are starting to feel the vibe. Next you walk into a fixed price shop and the wood elephant you have paid 600 for is marked at 300 lesson learned .Now you need alcohol a good idea is to return to the beach what a transformation deck beds all gone tables and chairs out order drinks watch the sea now this is chill. Any way back to the hotel fancy one in here and watch the traffic for a bit .Probably by now you are pretty pissed .Now watching traffic in Goa is not like sitting on a motorway bridge it will take up a lot of your time and there are special places for this sport bharrats and sunrise are 2 I can name. Dont be surprised if a couple of hours lapse and it gets to 2am .Now you really do need to get back to the hotel Remember the map
Frankie does Goa
part 7
Well you have done it a full day its 2am but you still want to know how much u have spent so you empty your pockets out on the bed it never stops coming Fivers Teners a few fiftys Hundreds five hundreds Thousands looks like more than you took out .So you start counting after a couple of attempts just give up its 3am you are completely bladderd OH is fast asleep fuck it..
Morning has broken like the fi .Now considering the state you were in last night you seem very fresh today's agenda breakfast and beach and start making plans for trips and stuff .Wander slowly down to breakfast everything is now done slowly .Now every body smiles and says hi even the Russians nod and grunt. Bit of toast brew 9am sun blasting down things are feeling good .Time to get to the beach This time its easy beep beep beep ain't actually that bad no thanks to the taxi lads is easy crossing the road ,now this is one thing you don't do slowly pick a gap any gap and a quick spirt will do it there may be 5 lanes of trafic but is still only 2 lanes wide .Remember the mental map and add to it pot holes are in the centre of the road as well the sides. Slowly walk to the beach the guy that sold you the 200rupee elephant for 600 rupees waves and smiles the pot holes now become easy ,you start to notice the colours the smell of jost sticks burning the odd plastic bottle and discarded flip flop dont seem to matter any more.Just wander on down. Then it happens you let your guard down you have just stuck your flip flop covered foot in a huge pile of Shit Its soft and wet and it dont smell of jost stick . Fortunatly you will probably been observed and a local may dart out and wash your feet for you .You are now starting to realize why this place is so specialAnd on the beach once again the lads remember you beds are ready in place brolly up drinks on Ice If you smoke you will even get a ashtray against the law in Goa but who gives a fuck .
Starting to get a bit hot now so time for a dip Now you can ether do the silly walk across the sand or simply run The sea may feel chilly at first but you need to get in a s soon as poss as your white skin and tiny bikini do-sent just attract mosquitos ,the brown undi and string vest boys will very quickly descend most are pretty harmless and simply look just move away so they are out of your space or buy a burka .Now it is lunch time and you never did check your money will you have enough to pay the bill this is when you start looking at prices on the menu and realise the £100 you cashed to get you by will last about 3 days .Now nothing matters more beer please frank
Franki does Goa
part 8
Now you have been in Goa for 2 or 3 days and the place is starting to grow on you the piles of rubbish aint that bad the traffic is now manageable pot holes are now easy you got the mental map you are no longer looked at as a pray animal got a bit of colour and more confidence cow shit dont even smell that bad now .Or you may be on 5 or six valium a day curled up in a corner of your room sobbing counting the minuets till your plane leaves ,This is where Marmite springs to mind
Any way you have been walking this road for the last week the mental map is near perfect you seem to know every body you bump into . Not long ago the Carrabian was an adventure .Now you have made it to India overcome all those demons that kept you awake for weeks after you booked .Nothing can stop you now time to push the envelope and in a moment of sheer madness what do you do .You hire a fucking scooter.
Now hiring a hog is nowhere near as complicated as you may think you may have seen the blackboards every where that say scooter hire this is where you go .Dont expect Avis ,Euro car or Hertz No flash waiting rooms here,normally back of somebody's house and once again slowly slowly guy may be having a brew be patient .First you need to agree a price once again this comes down to bartering and how long you want it for .Then comes the paper work which hotel you in @@@@@@@@ you say ok he says Next the safety briefing have you ridden one before if you say no he will instruct you this pull this to stop twist this bit to go and drive on the left,If you say yes drive on the left is ample instructions ,you are now ready to go.
Many hire company's are down quiet little back roads a bit like a housing estate at home so you have a couple of hundred yards to practice before you hit traffic. Its about now reality hits home and you realise just what you have done but you are an adventurer .Now in india they drive on the left just like we do so should be relatively easy .Now you may have heard you need eyes in the back of your head driving in India let me assure you this is a myth you really really dont want to know what is happening behind you It is what is in front that is important as will be demonstrated to you on numerous occasions in the next few days. Right practice over Stop at the white line (the one in your head ) and wait for a gap in the traffic and wait and wait and wait not doing to well are we so observe , Got it you have right of way at all times and so does everybody else, so of you go and suddenly that gap you have been waiting for appears easy peasy .So we are now tootling along at 20 mph once again making a mental map of potholes and sleeping sumo wrestlers .Now the O.H sat on the back there has been tightening her grip periodically and making sudden switches in posture the reason for this is unlike you concentrating on the road like a good motorist should, she can look round and knows what is going on behind you. Now is the time to remember the High way code .The indian system is loosely based on the UK highway code eg;your right indicator means I want to turn right but not wanting to waste a signal it can also mean please overtake me on the right differentiating between the two comes with practice ,however in Goa it has a third meaning my left indicator is not working .Next you need to master the use of the horn each pip has a meaning a bit like Morse code .Now no European has ever been able to master this language its a bit like talking to whales so just stick your thumb on it and hold it there .Another thing on a more serious note Traffic light are more of a suggestion than a rule .When you reach your destination you do need to have a good look at your scooter the colour the direction in whitch you park it and lastly the registration this is important you will learn why later .Find a sunbed eat food sunbathe dip in the sea drink honey bee just enjoy your adventure pay the bill and wander back to the hog .Now comes the hardest bit of the day finding the fucking thing 2.2 billion bikers have descended on your beach you forgot you were on the hog and had a honey bee or two this may take a while .Any way by the time you find it all alcohol has left the system so you are good to go .O bollocks the phone is flat no google maps so remember the mental map.
Franki does Goa
part 9
So we are down to the last couple of days of our holiday You have tried most modes of transport and survived ,Now you may think nothing can surprise you any more. Wrong!
Everybody keeps saying you must do a train ride .If up to now you have enjoyed your Indian Experience go for it ,if not don't as we are about to venture into what people call real india and if you didn't like the coastal belt and cow shit Indian trains are a whole different world of shit .
First of all is a high speed taxi ride to the station nothing new there. Once you arrive there is the normal cows wandering about and plenty of shit It also seems a very popular place to sleep so walking round or over sleeping Indians is quite normal. Once inside the station more sleeping Indians ,there doesn't seem to be any designated areas for sleeping here will do centre of the platform on the steps on the bridge on a luggage truck in fact the only place nobody seems to sleep is the waiting room. Take a peek over the edge guess what you see yep more shit and this aint cow shit. Now Indian trains can be quite long and walking out onto the platform is like walking out onto the tarmac at Dabolim air port so if you want to walk to the end of the platform for a sneaky fag make sure you give yourself plenty of time because your carriage may be at the other end over the horizon .Now unlike on the coast where everybody turns a blind eye to you having a fag not so here And if you are spotted you will be named and shamed over the station tannoy system. Now your train departure time arrives and the longest train you have ever seen in your life pulls in to the station don't get on ,reason being this is the train that was due 3 hours ago. The chances of your train being on time are probably about the same as Tony caudwell becoming the next Tory MP for Glasgow,so now you got plenty of time on your hands,So may as well get some scran. The canteen differs somewhat from what you have become accustomed to firstly there are no candles on the table nor are there any table cloths .Not the most romantic of venues .Now the food is actually quite good served on stainless steel plates with all the different compartments similar to what you put the nuts in at Christmas and only half the price of on the beach. Now would be a good time to go to the loo .You may take a peek through the door and think not using that ,not a good decision.
Buy this time you will probably have made enquires as to when your train is arriving and where your carriage is going to be .When it comes just get on and find your pre booked seats. Right as you wanted to experience real India you will probably have booked sleeper class the most popular class and the cheapest but defiantly not the cleanest or sweetest smelling , now I am unsure whether pigs goats and chickens need to purchase tickets or whether they are luggage. Now this class is quite fun and you are responsible for your own health and safety the doors are nearly always open so hanging out the carriage whilst the train is flat out is quite a buzz .The plus side of sleeper class everything is open and you really get to see the country,you can get off at stations it is a very enjoyable experience.
Earlier I suggested you use the hole in the floor at the station even if you didn't really want to go.If you took my advice well done,if you didn't there are loos on the train 4 in all one in each corner 3 Indian style and 1 western style. You are now going to regret not heeding my advice .
Without going into great detail the worst of the 4 is always the western one believe me it is not pleasant so that leaves a choice of 3 .Now squat toilets are not the easiest thing to use in the first place very few of us can actually get into the right position.On a train its not just a hole its a sink with two hills placed in it .Now you need a good sense of balance a good sense of humour will be an advantage as well because this is going to be a real achievement and lastly a pack of baby wipes . Now not being a professional train crapper This technique may be totally wrong .If you you are wearing shorts or trousers probably best to remove them and hang them on the hook provided, the same for long dresses other wise they will end up in the sink with everything else .You are now stood semi naked in a Indian train travelling at 40mph baby wipes in hand .If that is not bad enough you now need to balance on two humps baby wipes in one hand the other desperately trying to find something to hold onto. From here use your imagination.
Once you get off the train there will inevitably be more sleeping Indians and more shit .Enjoy your new destination .
The return journey will be much the same as the first only no doubt you will take a dump before you get on the train
Franki goes Home
part 10
Well last night was your last night in Goa Thankfully you are flying home on Thomas Cook not the best but with a flight time of 02.15 you get another full day and an evening meal .The normal stroll down to breakfast is much the same only there is a room boy lurking at every corner “last day sir I am your room boy”pretty oblivious buy now what he wants and this time a pound wont do but if he has looked after your room give him what you feel is right .Now every member of staff knows it is your last day and will be extra nice to you so don't let your good will get the better of you. Now remember your first day and how today could not get here soon enough ,chances are you dont see it like that now and are feeling a bit sad that you have to leave .Although you have done much travelling on the hog to the other beaches up and down the coast you will probably have found your shack. It will be one of the first you went to in the first few days you were in Goa the food is awesome the staff are friends for life even the dog knows you .This place is obliviously where you are going to spend your last day relaxing. Unfortunately it will not be as relaxing as you first thought you have telephone numbers to exchange facebook friends to make spend loads of time chatting to the boys ,lunch time arrives so you pop back into the shack and order your favourite meal .God this is good but it is the last for a long long time you sit in the shack with your favourite drink and look out over the sand ,the cows stroll buy the dogs asleep under your bed possibly one of the waiters asleep on your bed .(As you discovered on your rail journey a big part of Indian life and culture is sleeping).At this point you are probably feeling quite sad and unlike other holidays where you are looking forward to getting home ,here you really don't want to leave anyway back to the sun bed to do a bit more sulking a few more dips in the sea a last walk up the beach and its time to go . Now is the time to tip every body so be careful very easy to get carried away these guys have made you feel special so tip what you think they are worth.
Now wander back to the hotel takes a bit longer than it has in the past so many goodbyes and last minute pressies to get for people at home You have honed your bartering skills you are not white so buying is second nature and back to the hotel .Once again if he didn't catch you on the way out he will on the way back your room boy . Shit ,shower, Shave, Hair, Make up now under half an hour and time to pack .Here a set of luggage scales is essential as getting under your allowance can be difficult Tip put a pair of wellies in your hand luggage .Anyway all done 6pm time to leave your room now if you have already tipped the boys they wont bother you again if not they will be there handy if you are 3 flights up .
Cases at reception and out for your last evening meal bearing in mind to much alcohol and they may not let you fly. By now you will almost certainly have had a meal to die for so this will where you will head for .It doesn't disappoint and once again the blues set in last one for a long time a few more drinks to drown your sorrows will do the trick more goodbyes and back to collect the cases .This is a really sad time ,if on the bus you tend to sit quietly looking out the window reflecting on the last few weeks ,much the same in a taxi.
The next bit never gets any better whether you have been once or 20 times as you pull up at the airport your luggage is once again high jacked .Most of us feel £1 to transport your luggage possibly 20 feet is a bit of a piss take as these boys are not allowed in the airport the next several hundred yards must be under your own steam. So grab your luggage and keep hold. Now you need your passport driving licence library card at least 1 utility bill proof of ownership of your luggage. Once you have all this to hand and it has been checked you will be allowed to enter the airport. Now walk about 20 feet to the baggage scanner but whatever you do don't put your documents away pop your luggage on the scanner and walk to the other end .Now this scanner is only designed to look for one thing fag lighters anything else don't really matter there was a sign telling you no nuclear bombs or guns cases are now taped with a security band an off to check in. Now once you get to the check in que with your security tagged bags it is essential the relevant authority's ensure you haven't sneaked into the airport so they need to check your documents. Once at the desk it is very similar to any other airport check in except your luggage is probably over weight even the empty case this is where the luggage scales come in .So now you know whether your bags are heavy or whether to tell him to take his foot off the scales .You may Know your bags are over so simply swap a bit into your hand baggage .Silly thing to do you have just removed the security tag and may have slipped a lighter into the case so back of the que at the scanner you may also be a different person so keep those docs handy .Now we have got through check in suitcase has gone join the que for immigration control now this que is longer than a que for Asda on black Friday and you start looking at your whatch wondering if you will make your flight. Once at immigration passport and boarding card are needed here they are checked for everything and get the all important stamp now you dont get it back yet it is slid along the desk to the next officer to make sure it is stamped now you get it back but dont put it away security next .Now before you go through to security just in case anybody has sneaked in you passport is checked and then of course security will want to see it .Now this is probably the only place in India that has Male and female channels what goes on behind the Female curtain I have no idea .Once again the whole systen is geared to seek out fag lighters Liquid explosives,guns and flick knives are far less important but will be taken off you if accidentally discovered whilst looking for lighters every passenger is frisk searched and your shoes x rayed people have been known to smuggle lighters in their shoes. Well you have got into the lounge .You can enjoy to soothing music played on a 20second loop over and over and over again Please will somebody fucking shoot me. Have a look round the pride of Goa the brand new Dabolim airport note the stains on the carpet the grout they forgot to wipe of the marble floor the stains on the roof where it leeks the missing tiles where there has been a big leak .
Lets get a brew a butty or a bag of crisps HOW FUCKING MUTCH! Back to British prices for crap food .Any way time to take a leek remember the wellies in your hand luggage this is where you need them every thing in the bogs leeks so there is a inch of water everywhere may have been fixed now??????????.Now just relax and listen to the music .Time has come go to the gate passport and boarding card again then start walking down the ramps and down the ramps and down the ramps If you are counting you may run out of fingers and toes you may have your passport checked again somewhere down the ramps onto the bus out to the plane next stop UK.
Franki reflects
part 11
Well now back in good old Blighty ,just paid the same for a coffee and a doe nut as you have paid for a fillet steak in the last few weeks hurts don't it.Its fucking freezing ,life has just turned to shit again .So what do you do?switch on the lap top down load the pics you took and tell your mates what a dump you have just come home from. What have you learnt ?Firstly you have survived so you should be quite pleased with your self. Most of what you were told about India before you went the piles of bin bags, the cow shit, the mental traffic,the dust that destroys everything you wear, the pot holes ,the wild taxi drivers ,beep beep beeep, the bartering everything you were worried about all true. You have learned to ride a scooter Indian style now you have got to remember you are actually back in Blighty and the rules like Give way, Stop, mirror signal manoeuvre do need to be applied .How on earth can you sell this place as the best holiday destination in the world ,telling your mates you nearly shit your pants in a India rail toilet probably wont persuade them to book. So best stick to the most memorable bits O they are the memorable bits .It would also be a good idea to slip in the food is the best you have ever eaten the people are friends for life sorry its something you cant explain Goa is a feeling not a place.
Franki returns
Last year Franki had his first experience of India and survived to tell the tail .After a few months of deep thought decided to weigh up the pros and cons of returning .Now the cons do seem to out weigh the pros .Not many holiday destinations do you risk life simply leaving your hotel ,you are actually a lower form of life than a cow,you need to plan your day round your toilet requirements,your whole wardrobe is ruined within a fortnight,most taxi drivers want to prove they are immortal, as does anybody that drives on the roads and he bus drivers are on bonus dependant on how many motorists they can remove from the road. The pros; food,people(well most of the people)hot and cheep , thats about it apart from the vibe .Thats it the vibe swings it so tickets booked Goa here we come .
Dabolim first thing you notice It ain't changed the air bridges still don't fit the wind screen in the bus is still broken and the airport staff still look like you just farted in their little booth. Why on earth did you go back . This time you remembered to take the pound coins baggage is a breeze all luggage transported to the taxi you pre booked from home because you got his number last year. Once out of the airport people start smiling the hotel staff all remember you and you now know you made the right decision to return. Everything is like second nature the mental map is still there although not as accurate as you would like that small pot hole has doubled in size the newly laid pavement is no longer smooth but a few adjustments and away you go. Now that you are a Goa veteran what's this real real India you keep hearing about ,time to get adventurous. Planes trains and auto mobiles are the order of the day,plane tickets booked at home rail tickets booked through a friend and buses researched at home.
Back to dabHELLim airport this time a domestic flight which is surprisingly easy ,no lighters though. Next stop real India . Leaving the plane is by a nice shiny air bridge that fits the plane,the airport is world class and the airport transfer bus is a nice air-conditioned Volvo not the 40 year old junk yard salvage you got used to in Goa .The road is like a soothe version of the M6.Real India is starting to look pretty good. Unfortunately this do-sent last long and your first impression of real India is totaly shattered and things start to look like the India you got used to only travelling at three times the speed. Once off the bus It becomes apparent how different it is from Goa, nothing travels at a leisurely pace ,the best way to describe it is off the scale mental crossing the road is really scary not a bit of a giggle weaving between scooters that you are used to ,this time you know if you get it wrong you WILL die. On the bus station you start to realise you are no longer in Goa gone has the smell of burning wood spices and food replaced by fuel fumes and PISS which we will get to later. Now you have google maps the hotel only quarter of a mile walk because this was planned at home easy p easy the road you need to cross looks like any other on your smart phone in reality its 10 lanes wide and nothing travels in the same direction 15 mins it took to cross that road .Now the hotel is easy to find but once again google maps tells lies the nice road the hotel is on is now a single track motorway width of the road has absolutely no bearing on how much traffic travels on it . Hotel check in is much the same as what you are used to with a few extra forms and a picture taken on the web cam then a room boy takes you to your room .Thank you very much here is your pound coin .now as far as this guy is concerned you have given him a washer and forgot to drill the hole in it good job you have a few 10 INR notes .Same at reception with £20 notes when you hand one in ant the receptionist says what is it you realize this is a totally different place, back in the room what do you expect for £11 a night, or more to the point what do you get a lot more than you get in Goa, Nice clean white sheets TV pretty dam good with one acception no bog role and just like £20 notes totally unknown and unheard of good job you learnt how to wash your arce on the train last year. Tea time (or dinner if you are a snob)hotel restaurant very good even better when the bill comes less than half the price of Goa.Then a good nights sleep had By all.
Day two of your Indian adventure .As last years train ride was a highlight lets do it again ,however lessons have been learned ,you must have a dump before setting out and the hotel bum washer is starting to feel better than bog roll happy days a brisk walk to the station .Now you may remember the smell when you came out of the bus station this is due to a system developed in India where by you can never get caught out suddenly wanting the toilet .It works like this. You are happily walking on the pavement round the pot holes past the public toilets when suddenly you get the urge to wee .You could walk the twenty paces back to the bogs ,but no the system says stop and p*ss .this system is very popular every were you go there will be people taking advantage of it ,hence there is rather a strong smell of fermented piss everywhere .Now as India is a democracy the p*ss any were club is not restricted to Males ladies are quite welcome to squat anywhere and frequently do. This system must save the country a fortune in man hours imagine it takes 30 seconds to turn round and walk to the public lav with a population of 1.2 billion people that is a lot of time saved .On the other hand one has to wonder how the population ever got to 1.2 billion considering all the nasty bugs that must be lurking .Any way once on to the rail station you are back in familiar territory and as people are not in a hurry to get any were and the train is probably a day or so late it is quite relaxing and most people use the bogs I say most as you may see the odd child taking a dump of the edge of the platform ,I can only assume this is because the parents are so chilled out waiting its to much trouble to take the kiddie to the loo. On the train far better than last time you know you dont need the bog ,you went in the hotel, sit back enjoy the ride try the tea & coffee as long as you take sugar its really nice 3 spoons in a egg cup is about right. Next stop Mysore ,Different again gone has the sweet smell of fermented piss in fact there is no noticeable smell at all and once again the people seem happy .Its clean compared to the sh*t hole you have just left still looks the same pot holes in the pavement dodgy wiring like the rest of India built to Indian standard bodge and scarper ,its a good job its half clean as you are going to spend a lot of time with no shoes on, temples and palaces wont let you wear shoes . Loads to see here taxi with a guide cost £8 for the day well worth a visit . .Mysore is fantastic the place is amazing palaces, temples bulls views and museums .As per usual the guide will want to take you to a local craft factory, well a 96 year old lady rolling jost sticks and making fragrance'd oils, you are expected to buy a few at really ridiculous prices. It is a good idea to buy at least a small amount as I will explain later. The train ride back to the Bangalore is much the same hopefully you remembered to take a dump before you set off as last years experience will be difficult to forget more tea and try the food if you don't like it it only cost 10 rupees so nothing lost. Back in Bangalore and another night in the hotel but first you got to get there, once across the road which may take a while you got p*ss ally to get through with out throwing up ,Now remember the fragrance oil a few drops on a tissue and you think what ever you paid for it it was worth it. Back in the hotel room there is still no bog roll but who cares this arce washing machine is starting to grow on you may have to fit one at home.
God its good to get back to Baga the peace the quiet the calm roads the smell of burning wood and the relaxed taxi drivers life is so easy here .
Would you do it again deffo its something you just have to see the diversity of this country is amazing and the more you do and see the more you want to do and see.
THE END.
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